May love always stay with me.
May the darkness and the light always find perfect harmony.
May every touch I make matter.
May the future that finds all of us be a bright one.

It's May.

It's a Sunday, and I'm working yet again hehe. Finished the Harry Potter books. (I did that for two Saturdays). Will start with Merrick & Eragon soon.

But I'm going off on tangents. I found something while working lol. And here it is:

Some people believe that you only fall in love once.
Some people believe you can fall in love over and over.
Then there are those of us who believes that regardless of how many times we fall in love, there will always be that one person who made the biggest impact on our lives. After our hearts have been broken time and time again, our minds and hearts always go back to that one person.
To the one.
We say that one is perfect. Then once we meet someone different, our definition of perfection changes, and we’re in love again, ‘til once again, our hearts are broken. Despite how many times we do this, our hearts always long for that one person we let go long ago.
That one heartbreak that will never compare to the others.

Guess i heard a ring of truth in this one. Though i think it was written in a repetitive & overly dramatic way - perhaps by an emotionally unstable person with a propensity for mythomania. Guess I've been lucky enough not to have my heart broken THAT much. Is it luck though - or perhaps wisdom; might be fear - or even sadly, indifference.

Oh well, I have a ton of work still to do, with a few hours to finish them all. Of course, there's tomorrow. But tomorrow will add its own weight in things that need to be done.

I lack something. I'll figure out what in time.

Someone told me that my "Prince Charming" was prolly just around the corner. Unless there's a mirror around the corner, that probability drops to mercilessly subterranean levels. Haha.

*stretches*

Back to work then..

i'm sure it's my failure

stupid me, for not trying hard enough

Hello world.

I hope you're okay.

Say hi when you have the time k?

Sorry I haven't had much time to share with you myself.

If you're feeling lonely, don't worry, I am too. But I'm sure someone misses you, and loves you. I do.

So we should be smiling and revelling in the warmth that our hugging hearts afford us.

We shouldn't be crying and stuff. Other people might get sad too.

It feels cold tonight.

Hi to my Guide and my Angel. I love you both. I'm not sure which is the girl and which is the boy, but well thank you girl, for always keeping close. Maybe it's cause you're a girl? I don't know, why isn't the boy as close to me as you are? Did I do or not do something? Please let me know somehow.

Okay i'm starting to feel numb.

hmmm... this is prolly the most seemingly senseless post i've ever made

But really, it's not.

:)

Hmmmmmmmm...

Well it's been a while, hasn't it? I don't really know where to start, so let's start with today. Got up around lunch time, nursing a hangover - ate like a fiend, went online and tried to sustain a conversation with Jell. But I went back to bed when I started seeing stars. Fine, I'm exaggerating. I guess I'm feeling the need to because I'm finding the start of this entry to be damn boring - and that just doesn't sit well with me.

I've been able to spend time with Che more this week. Which is yay, after like a week of not being able to see her.

This past week has been a roller-coaster ride. Work has driven me to fits of rage, depths of anxiety - and a shit load of frustration. My penchant for knowing when to hold on and when to let go has been sorely tested. I believe these to be times that build character, or destroy it if so allowed.

My mind feels like a sandstorm.. although I am admittedly, and surprisingly calm. Hmmm not a sandstorm then. But the aftermath of a volcanic explosion. Much like that of Mt. Pinatubo's a decade ago or more. It was (and of course, still is) leagues away from Manila, but the sky clouded over for a few days - with dust and ashes no less. And it's in this state that I find my mind to be in right now. Specs of thought scattered all over, incomprehensibly difficult to grasp, or make a cohesive string out of - yet inexplicably still; with a silence that is at once, stifling, unsettling, but welcome all the same.

It seems that there is only reality now, and my dreams have all flittered out. That is to say, that the absence of dreams is so absolute that there is not even the memory of them. Outside work and friends, and a much abrased love, there is not enough left to hold me together in a satisfactory semblance of a being that is thriving. But perhaps it is a mistake to disparage those undeniably weighty intrinsicalities and exepct to find an appreciable sense of self.

So then, why do I do so? Because I have steeped myself in them for far too long and too deep that I find myself being reproachful at the thought of having to entertain them here - where I hold the power of being, in this my last recluse from baleful or even genial realities born from the union of my will, and that of things I do not, dare not, and can not control.

Yes, the ashes, the dust. Seeing them settle. But not from a remote city; from the volcano itself.

I see them... The lone Warrior, fighting for a cause he does not truly understand, yet giving everything with each blow, because it is what he knows how to do best, and he prides himself for it. The Sword of Love, that draws blood when it strikes, and rusts when sheathed. And finally, the dying Child, harmlessly selfish, endearingly selfless; looking up at the sky with a tear stained cheek, and the warmest of smiles.

And it is the will, the magic, the Man; who will seek understanding and meaning for the Warrior, and raise the arms of acceptance to an appreciation, far broader than that which pride brings forth. The Man, who will sheath the Sword in no paltry scabbards - but plunge it into the heart, where love in itself washes over the shores of joy and the banks of sorrow. The Man, who will take the Child in his arms, and give him a home, where he will never be replaced, never die, or ever grow old; a life of shallow tears and pure mirth, of unfading beauty and resilient youth.

*smiles to self*

I am not so vapid as I have feared after all.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. Oh right - work. LOL. And maybe Brooklyn Pizza.

Something a friend told me a few nights ago still bothers me. How there is only one person who can push through the defenses of this other person. It sucks because I want to be that one person; and it makes me feel incredibly inept, unqualified, worthless, and just plain wrong. Now because of this I can choose to walk the path of sadness, anger, or both. I can also choose to walk away from it all. But I will choose to stay, because my heart may conjure emotional winds that are fleeting, but my mind bears a flame - one that burns with a love for someone that I know to be true. Whatever meaning it holds for anyone else is beyond me.

And although this thought focuses too much on the singularity of love's foundation, which is quite contradictory to its essense of deference to another entity; it serves me well.

Oh well, lol. This soliloquy has proven to be both inspiring and useless; but moreover - ultimately tiring.

On to bed now.

Cheers!

Current Location: in the travesty of saneness
Current Music: as if any music will suit my mood now, silence is golden

Love, I just recently realized that I still have so much to know about it.

I'm still not enough. I don't know if I'll ever be worthy enough for other people to be theirs. But I'm enough for me.

And my stupid fucking laptop is going at it again. I so need to get these keys fixed - especially the end button. It keeps on pressing itself repeatedly. GRR!

But hey, I'm doing my best, at work, w/ my friendships and in love. Yeah yeah, but I'm sure I can do better, specially in that last department.

Sigh.

It was my birthday weekend last week!

I had the bestest one ever!

So thank you, to everyone who had let me share my bday with them.

To those who have come back into my life. I love you. Thank you.

To those who have never left, and still continue to stay. Thank you.

To those who have just recently been in my life for the first time and hold so much promise for great great friendships. Thank you.

To my family, eternally a part of me, who teach me so much, and love me even more. Thank you.

To God, well, what can I say, I've shared a lot, and I've a lot more to learn. Thank you for everything.

Here's another thing I found..

“'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?”

.. so true.

Just a lil something I found, while doing part of my work..

“As I look back on all that's happened..growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me -- there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever..and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold.”

*smiles*

Hmmmmm.. I've been really dramatic lately haven't I?

Damn, eww! Gawd! Hahaha! Most of my posts here are sad, and negative.

Well last week really was TIRING. TIRING means I get weak, hence the drama.

Monday was okay. I didn't get a lot done. Which I really don't give a fuuuuck about. I totally deserve not working til I drop then because I already did that over the weekend.

Today was, well better. Not too much stress. Even though I was doing three things at a time the whole day, hehe. But I got it all done at 3pm. Cause I had 4pm with this magazine/modeling agency - haha not that I'm trying out to be a model, hell no, but actually to see what business I can do with the company.

But, the guy was a no show. So that was fine as well, cause at least I got to relax a bit before the next crisis struck. Or well, more of an aftershock of a previous crisis really.

So yeah, I'm looking forward to ummmm tomorrow night! Oh! We're going to Malate! Having dinner at the Diamond Hotel, and I'm so taking D1 & Rheens to the corner of gay and gay. *snickers* It is, after all, my territory. So I hope we have fun tomorrow.

Thursday I finally got a meeting with a higher up of this company that's a client of ours. YAY!

And that's it so far.

Hmmm so right now, I'm gonna stay away from the drama lol. Just cause, well, other people really don't seem to be that emotional lately. Or maybe they just don't show it. But yeah, I miss my heart of stone.

Oh! I read somewhere online this morning that March indeed was the month when I'll meet THE guy. Sounds familiar? That's what the psychic I met before told me as well.

.... romance, luuuurve. I want it a bit. But only when I'm not working, or when I'm alone and I'm tired. Haha! The moral of the story therefore is to work work work, and then work some more, and hang out with friends, and sleep the moment you start longing for something you don't have. Or maybe it's sex that I want. Hahaha. Yau delah! (That's Bahasa-Indonesian for whatever! Hehe, kudos to Lala for that.)

Or maybe I could just give love another chance. The fuck am I talking about, I'd rather work on the weekends again. :P Or get a damn haircut. I SO NEED IT. I haven't been able to have one for months now, MONTHS! AAARGH. Thank God I have nice facial features.

Okaaaay, I'm going to work now - workout that is. Hehehe.

Yay! *hugs self* A lot of people are not gonna be here on my birthday. As in a lot of my friends from the office aren't gonna be here. At least I don't have to treat as many people lol. But yeah, wish they were here. Wish you were all here.

Oh, right, heart of stone.

Hehe.

Kar is leaving in a few weeks.

I'm sad. I wasn't even able to put you in my 'thank you' entry last week, and now you're moving to Singapore.

I wish you all the best, may you find there what you thought you couldn't find here.

I guess maybe it's because we've never seen each other that often, that's why I forgot. But remembering the times we've spent, the connection we have, the openness we allowed ourselves.. our chats online, and those few long ones on the phone.

I know it's going to be hard to say goodbye for now to the ones you love, so I'll understand if you don't meet up with me again before you leave.

Hey, just know I'm here k? Just here.

You'll do great there you know? So don't doubt that, and you can always come back here anyway. Besides, you're doing this for YOU and your son. You'll make it and wow 'em, like you've wowed me.

I've been working the whole weekend, and i'm still not done; I'm just giving myself a little time for you. I'm sorry this is all I can give right now.

I love you Kar. Be happy.

Maybe things like these happen because to me at least, because I still have to pay for hurting others when I left them. But that is a selfish thought, this is happening because it's Karen's decision to pursue something she thinks will better her life.

She's leaving just before my birthday.. Ah, so that's what it is this for my bday this year, I hope that's all of it.

OH! And happy birthday Dichi (Abi). Love you Sis. Yay for sailing! I'm glad you had fun.

And happy belated birthday to Achi (Michelle).. Love you too! Sorry you're disappointed in me. I know I can be a brat, so sorry. I'm doing all I can for all of us if that counts as something. I'm sure it does though.

Um so yeah, I wanna go back to work and finish it so I can have a few hours of my weekend that, well, feels like it's the weekend.

Besides, crying takes a lot out of me, and I still have to exercise later.